Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor...Your Humorless, Your Castrated

(originally published on AdRants)


Just what is up with America and its refusal to accept the fact sex is natural and people do it all the time? Why do we shun it in movies and advertising while we gleefully glamorize and applaud violence and rampant stupidity?

Video games. Michael Bay movies. The Saw series of movies. All celebrate violence for the purposes of making money. And people love it. And spend billions on it. And rarely complain about it but sex...oh no. God forbid people actually celebrate the natural, biological joy of sex without coming off as some sort of perv trying to terrorize and sully the minds of poor little children.

So it is, yet again, without surprise that the MPAA and others have their panties and jockstraps in a twist over Kevin Smith's Zack and Miri Make A Porno which was initially slapped with a NC-17 rating, later negotiated to an R. But that's not the issue. Movies should be rated appropriately based on content.

What irks is the notion that sex (not the objectifying kind) is somehow bad, should never be talked about and, certainly, never make its way into media, advertising or promotion.

Recently, Smith's original poster for his movie was shot down
by the MPAA because it hinted at oral sex. Smith, every the feisty one, didn't take that edict laying down and created a stick figure version of the ad with the copy "Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks made a movie so titillating that we can only show you this drawing." Simple enough? Nope. Shot down again because of the word porno.
This is a comedy, people! Not a porn flick. Can we not understand the humor here? Oh wait, of course we can't. America lost its sense of humor years ago when armies of silly cause groups took over and waged war on everything in sight except, perhaps, for third grade math text books.


The ad has been refused by 15 newspapers, a few TV stations and the city of Philadelphia with Deputy Mayor Rina Cutler saying, "Zack and Miri cannot make a porno on my bus shelters." WTF? JFC! Seriously? Oh, um, like suddenly commuters are going to spring from their seats, grab the nearest person and start fornicating (we can't really say fuck anymore. Oops. Sorry) like bunnies while some 15 year old with a Flip starts filming? Please! Commuters are lucky if they can even keep their eyes open while commuting to work let alone notice a bus poster for a movie.


To be fair, it's clear many people do not want sex or the notion of it foisted upon them 24/7. That's understandable. But it's become so twisted it's no wonder kids are woefully unprepared to engage in sex much less understand its meaning and proper place in life. No one wants to talk about it. It's just too embarrassing. No one wants to educate. It's just too much work. No one wants to see it in a movie. It's just too queasy.


The hippies in the sixties had it right. Make love, not war. Why do we continue to get it backwards?

Honeymooning

I'm all for seminars, training courses and such. Most of us are. My friend's agency does a particularly good job of this. He was telling me the other day how they often send creatives away for international seminars to learn about new software and "stuff" He was flying to one in Spain in a couple of weeks. Lucky him.It genuinely sounded fantastic.

And I can think of quite a few people who go to speak at these kind of conferences, too. Great, noteworthy speakers. People who inspire you. Make you think - "shit, this is really why I do what I do"" (yes, I used an exclamation point). Point being that when I know I have an opportunity to see one of those people speak, I'm willing to shell out my own money to go to it. Likewise, if I know I'm going to go somewhere and soak up a ton of great, valuable information - things that are truly going to help excel my trade, then I'm signing up and taking out a loan if I need to.

But I am learning that I might be a rare breed when it comes to training/conference appreciation.

Because there are, of course, the people who can't be bothered to show up for one single session because they're too hungover. The people who sit at the pool in Vegas rather than in the conference room. The people who decide they want to use those opportunities for what the rest of the entire company can only assume is a lucid affair, honeymoon special, romp-in-the-sand, all-expense-paid, company escapade.

Now. Here's my thing. If you want to have an affair that's one thing. I'm not the moral committee here. I don't judge. But if you want to start using company funding to pay for your trip, invite someone who you are allegedly having an affair with and use company funds to pay for that? Well I do judge. Just a little....

i'm not one to gossip...

... OK. That's a lie. But all I'm saying is this:

Someone very very VERY senior in a big NYC agency was arrested this weekend with two prostitutes and a load of cocaine. He was also with two VIP clients to whom he was showing a VGT (that's very good time for those of you not down with the kids). Among the things apparently stated to the police: "don't you know who I am? I'm Mr. X"

Well, rumor has it being Mr. X didn't really help with the police nor the clients - who are now also in legal trouble and out of a job.

Whoopsies! So much for client services....

a new kind of client relationship

Client A to account person: "You can kick me in the balls - hard - if I let you down."

it's been a while

sorry. plenty of things going on... plenty of stories to post. here's the first (of many)

it all has to do with a little thing called agency morale. i suppose in this economic downturn (or credit crunch as they call it in the uk) times are getting more tough for us agency folks. and with that comes things like clients spending less money, agencies doing less work and possibly layoffs.

enter the agency morale team. we've all got 'em. maybe yours is called hr. or maybe the social committee. or something along those lines. my agency has it. and they've been doing a pretty good job this year.

but about a month ago they introduced this idea where every day we'd all be given a sample of cookies to try and compare to each other. "vote for the best" we were told. "enjoy a few moments away from your desk" they said. never mind the hours and hours of overtime that everyone was working. this was just a few minutes out of everyone's lives to eat a little cookie and cast your vote.

but then the few minutes turned into what appeared to be well crafted emails announcing the daily competition and recap of events and before you knew it... morale was even lower. people working 14 hour days couldn't understand how a cookie was going to make them feel better. cookies were only a reminder of the weight they were putting on by not taking advantage of that gym membership. and cookie emails were reminding them that other people actually had time to write an email about the trial of oreos versus who knows what.

enter what i will refer to as "cookie-gate."

now i realize this social committee doesn't get paid to do this stuff just as i don't get paid to work the 14 hour days that i do. oh wait. i do. that's my JOB. i just stopped making overtime 12 years ago. whatever. my point is this: cookies ain't gonna fix anyone's morale and anyone who thinks they are are just bad agencies.

unfortunately i think i got in trouble for saying such things recently and my whole conversation was completely misconstrued. which brings me back to you. my friends. my trusted colleagues who i hope can actually help with my morale right now. 'cuz this cookie-gate thing is really pissing me off.

Bad Excuses

We have all worked with crazy people. And we've all worked with slackers. Identifying them - initially - isn't always that easy. But rest assure, it always comes out, somehow, someway. And usually by their own doing.

Today's example? The eternal crazy-slacker who, at first would tell people she couldn't be at work because "I threw my back out." That was followed by weekly doctor appointments. Likely followed by a cat death & funeral. She never worked a full week in over 6 months of employment at one agency.

My favorite excuse for going home early is seen below....

From: Name removed
To: ALL
Subject: who ever ate my salad lunch and took the container too....

Not only am I allergic to EVERYTHING but the salad dressing was mixed with several liquid antibiotics. Nice.

You may want to fess up as you will most likely need to see your GP because of the meds. Hold the humor, as this could potentially be serious to someone.

I will be leaving shortly as I need to go home to take my meds. Mystery person, call me on my MOBILE if you don't find me.

Thank you.

Name removed
Sr. Project Manager

The price of success (or at least one fun night).

My friends at a substantially large San Francisco agency have found the best way to get anything out of their COO is pretty simple: top shelf vodka, Prada, Gucci or, really, any designer shoe. The bigger the ask, the bigger combination of those. But it's pretty much guaranteed.

It got me thinking - is it REALLY guaranteed? Could we test these waters a little? What would be the right combo for a salary raise? A promotion? What if you just really want to take out the team for a good time which may or may not involve lots of vodka for yourselves and, possibly, strippers but absolutely no hard core drugs because that was such an early 90s agencies thing to do (or so I keep telling myself as I look the other way).

Funny thing is - I asked this question about a week ago and just last night I got the answer. How? Well, my friends took the COO out, got her completely drunk, made her pay for the drinks (over $2500) and proceeded to ask these very questions (talk about bold moves, Ford Motor Company, take note).

Here's what they learned:

Salary = look at the percentage you're asking for. If it's with inflation, the COO would have already likely given that to you, so make it worthwhile. A top shelf bottle of vodka and any small Gucci and/or Prada (or really any designer label in which the COO's PA could give you her latest wish list) is worth about inflation plus about 10%.

Promotion = this is pretty serious. The COO didn't deny getting buttered up for some very senior promotions BUT indicated that it would require a combination of all three OR at least one top shelf vodka plus one massive designer purchase. Jimmy Choo and Christian Louboutin are always a nice add-in, depending on what you are really pushing for.

So that lead me to ask what about the "night out on the town?

My friends just laughed. Apparently, all it truly takes is a lot of vodka and this COO will happily do it for you (as is the case from that night).


True story. Can't make up this crap.

Free Childcare

I recently heard how a lovely producer friend of mine (I'll call her N for the purposes of this story) was asked to go babysit for one of her creative leads because he had too much to work on & she was, well, a girl.

I guess the fact that she had her own workload didn't matter. Nor did the creative (or her agency) pay her anything more to do it.

Anyways, this has got me thinking - and I'm guessing some of my producer and account friends out there might agree with this - a lot of what we do IS babysit. Babysit clients. Babysit projects. Babysit people. Departments. Bosses. Blah blah blah. Now, in this case, my friend, N, was asked to babysit a 1 year old. But it probably isn't that different from her normal day. Actually, it might even be better. But I digress. You can all discuss amongst yourselves. I've given you a forum to share your thoughts....

In the meantime, I waiting to hear from an different friend, who plans on calling up that Bad Agency and inquiring about their free childcare services... rumor has it that the babysitter is pretty good with kids. Not to mention pretty cute.

Invoices?

...Overheard by J while getting some coffee -

Accounts Payable Dude: My theory is, if I don't pay them, eventually they'll either just go away out of pure frustraition or it'll get escalated to my boss who will just take care of it.

Pretty Please

Creative: What exactly do you want me to do?

Account: A template.

Creative: Of what?

Account: Good question. Something pretty.

Urban Legends

Wow. And I thought this only happened in really bad Kevin Williamson movies (yes, that guy who directed both Scream AND the equally frightening Dawson's Creak)... apparently, I was wrong.

B writes:

Managing Partner: So tell me, what color do you prefer? Snowflake or Snowbright?

Me: Oh, wow, XX. Um, to be honest, I'm not sure I can see the difference.

Managing Parter: No, no. Put your glasses on. This is important.

Me: Yeah. Um. I still don't think that'll help. Maybe you should just paint one wall with Snowflake and the other with Snowbright.

Managing Partner: Jesus. That's the best idea to come out of you in ages (and off he trots)




Right. So, when I worked at a certain agency in NYC years ago, I remember hearing about a certain someone (which incidently the agency was partially named after) who had men go around the office late at night, paint buckets in hand, retouching the walls and removing any signs of scuffs and dirt. He also detested desk clutter and believed that desks should never have anything more than a computer (and even THAT was an eye sore) and insisted that window shades always be either opened or closed at 90% (and had small, clear indicators installed on all walls so we could know how to properly line things up).

Sigh. I wonder what color he would have used on those walls.... Snowflake or Snowbright?

Career Advice

Creative Director: So, I'm supposed to go talk to a group of university students and explain to these kids what it is I do all day so they can get a sense as to whether they want to be a CD when they graduate. But. Ugh. How can I explain genius?

Me: Seriously?

Creative Director: (unaware) ...I just don't know where to start!

Me: How about telling them how you got started in the industry... what you used to be responsible for and how that's shifted over the years... I mean, they're not all going to be graduating from school and becoming creative directors, right? They've got some time before that, so it's probably most imporatant that they get an understanding of what they'd really be responsible for if they were to join our agency today, at entry-level.

Creative Director: Right. Right. I like that. They're all shit anyways. I just have to put them in their place.

Me: Wait. What? No. That's not what I said...

Creative Director: No. I like it. Little pricks...

Me: (speechless, shaking my head)

Creative Director: Do you think I can make one of them make me coffee?

Grammar Nazi

(after reviewing the creative for a meeting the next morning)

Me: I think it should read: Every day is Fun....NOT Everyday is Fun.

E pro and AD: You know what? You are right. It's not grammatically correct.
We should change that.

Owner: Nah - don't bother changing it.

Me: Well, it's wrong and knowing how the client is super detail oriented, they will call this out in the meeting - I am just trying to make us look smart (or less stupid).

Owner: It's a creative thing - we're taking creative license.

Me: There's nothing creative about poor grammar.

Next morning before meeting....

Me: I really think we should make this change - I'm gonna call the writer and discuss....(leaves voicemail)

Writer comes bursting through door 10 minutes later.

Writer: I AM creatively opposed to changing it. You can spell it either way.

Me: Yes - you CAN spell it either way - but only when used correctly. In this instance, it's not being used correctly.

Writer: Everyone takes creative license - don't squash an idea, grammar nazi.

Me: That's not an idea. An idea would be to purposely misspell something to make it work within a concept. This is just poor grammar.

Writer: We aren't changing it. I'm the writer.

Owner: Yeah - let's not change it. There's even a Dave Matthews song titled 'Everyday'

Me: Whatever.

Fast forward 2 hours in meeting....

Client: Um, by the way, it's Every day....not everyday.

Board member: Yeah, I would be all about that idea, but make sure to change it to every day.....

Writer and owner: No problem - we can change that easily.

BAD, BAD AGENCY.

The Real Digital Revolution

(as originally published on Beyond Madison Avenue)

The real digital revolution has nothing to do with advertising or marketing. In fact, it’s the mortal enemy of advertising and marketing.

Because the real digital revolution is about consumer empowerment, the ability to research and learn about products and services and make decisions independently from, and in spite of, any sort of marketing and advertising messages.
That’s what’s really changing the way we market. It’s not about our inability to control the conversation. It’s about our inability to even get in on it. “They” are talking about us and we can’t butt in. I mean Word of Mouth is wonderful and all, but it ain’t got nothing on a glowing review from CNET.

The car companies are actually the ones who are hardest hit by this development. Given that a car is the second most expensive purchase you’ll make in your life (your home being the first), sophisticated consumers are flocking to review sites, message boards and the like to get the real deal on the car they plan to buy. And even to find out what kind of car someone like them should buy. A pretty shocking development in a market that was shrouded in mystery and misinformation for years.

Sure there was Consumer Reports and the car magazines. But CR attracted a very specific, Naderesque demographic and the car magazines were rarely concerned about the sorts of things the average car buyer was concerned about, especially if the average car buyer had kids or mostly used the car for commuting.

Now what all this information does is destroy the power of image-based brand advertising. I might see some “this car is cool” VW ads and think VW is great, so great that I decide I want to buy a Jetta for my next car. But, if I go online and read about how much the Jetta sucks and how much better the Nissan Sentra is, I’m buying the Sentra. No matter how much Marc Horowitz (the guy who lived in his Sentra for 10 days) bugs me. Brand advertising can’t stretch the truth anymore or try and gild the lilly. Because if it does, we’re going to find out about it and it’s not going to be pretty.
The informed digital consumer isn’t just a threat to the auto business: S/he’s a threat to any business where there are objective standards for judging the product. So while something like food may be immune (you either like Oreos or you don’t, there’s not much objectivity there) even packaged goods like laundry detergent can fall vicitm, since there’s an objective standard for how clean your clothes are getting.

All the noise you hear from the 2.0-niks about “conversations” is often just a fancy term for people sharing objective opinions of products on review sites, blogs and other digital media. The “conversation” is when the marketer responds to criticism with a pledge to try harder or some such. Which, while it’s not practiced as much as it should be, is just common sense. But enough “conversations” about how bad your product is, no amount of clever advertising or radical media placement is going to save it.

Now people are people and of course we’re always going to need some sort of brand advertising to help us distinguish between the cool brand and the not-cool brand. But, especially on high ticket items, the ability to research, to learn all the details and facts that were previously unavailable to us— that is what is ultimately going to drive our purchase decision.

And that, my friends, is the real digital revolution.

Best way to spend a $225k

Client: "to be honest I didn't even care if anyone clicked on the banners, I just wanted something out there for the sales people to see."

Fair enough. But call it brand awareness not DR.

When the going gets tough, the tough go and see a movie

This story comes to us from a small agency out on the west coast....

~~~

"We had all gathered in our war room:

Head of Agency (HOA): Ok - let's break for lunch. When we get back, let's call our Client and review scripts, call J (our web partner) and discuss designs for our agency site and then let's try and send out 2 new biz books by end of day.

Team: Great - sounds good. See you at 1:00

Fast forward to 12:50....

I am sitting at my desk when HOA comes by with a printout from IMDB reviewing No Country For Old Men with the time 1:40 circled on it. I turns to HOA with an unamused expression and says nothing.

HOA: Agency field trip in 20 minutes. Going to see a movie.

He then continues to the other desks and does the same thing, while I sit there shaking my head.

It all becomes that much clearer why this is a bad Agency....

Talk about a flight reflex...when the going gets tough, the tough goes and sees a movie."