Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor...Your Humorless, Your Castrated

(originally published on AdRants)


Just what is up with America and its refusal to accept the fact sex is natural and people do it all the time? Why do we shun it in movies and advertising while we gleefully glamorize and applaud violence and rampant stupidity?

Video games. Michael Bay movies. The Saw series of movies. All celebrate violence for the purposes of making money. And people love it. And spend billions on it. And rarely complain about it but sex...oh no. God forbid people actually celebrate the natural, biological joy of sex without coming off as some sort of perv trying to terrorize and sully the minds of poor little children.

So it is, yet again, without surprise that the MPAA and others have their panties and jockstraps in a twist over Kevin Smith's Zack and Miri Make A Porno which was initially slapped with a NC-17 rating, later negotiated to an R. But that's not the issue. Movies should be rated appropriately based on content.

What irks is the notion that sex (not the objectifying kind) is somehow bad, should never be talked about and, certainly, never make its way into media, advertising or promotion.

Recently, Smith's original poster for his movie was shot down
by the MPAA because it hinted at oral sex. Smith, every the feisty one, didn't take that edict laying down and created a stick figure version of the ad with the copy "Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks made a movie so titillating that we can only show you this drawing." Simple enough? Nope. Shot down again because of the word porno.
This is a comedy, people! Not a porn flick. Can we not understand the humor here? Oh wait, of course we can't. America lost its sense of humor years ago when armies of silly cause groups took over and waged war on everything in sight except, perhaps, for third grade math text books.


The ad has been refused by 15 newspapers, a few TV stations and the city of Philadelphia with Deputy Mayor Rina Cutler saying, "Zack and Miri cannot make a porno on my bus shelters." WTF? JFC! Seriously? Oh, um, like suddenly commuters are going to spring from their seats, grab the nearest person and start fornicating (we can't really say fuck anymore. Oops. Sorry) like bunnies while some 15 year old with a Flip starts filming? Please! Commuters are lucky if they can even keep their eyes open while commuting to work let alone notice a bus poster for a movie.


To be fair, it's clear many people do not want sex or the notion of it foisted upon them 24/7. That's understandable. But it's become so twisted it's no wonder kids are woefully unprepared to engage in sex much less understand its meaning and proper place in life. No one wants to talk about it. It's just too embarrassing. No one wants to educate. It's just too much work. No one wants to see it in a movie. It's just too queasy.


The hippies in the sixties had it right. Make love, not war. Why do we continue to get it backwards?

Honeymooning

I'm all for seminars, training courses and such. Most of us are. My friend's agency does a particularly good job of this. He was telling me the other day how they often send creatives away for international seminars to learn about new software and "stuff" He was flying to one in Spain in a couple of weeks. Lucky him.It genuinely sounded fantastic.

And I can think of quite a few people who go to speak at these kind of conferences, too. Great, noteworthy speakers. People who inspire you. Make you think - "shit, this is really why I do what I do"" (yes, I used an exclamation point). Point being that when I know I have an opportunity to see one of those people speak, I'm willing to shell out my own money to go to it. Likewise, if I know I'm going to go somewhere and soak up a ton of great, valuable information - things that are truly going to help excel my trade, then I'm signing up and taking out a loan if I need to.

But I am learning that I might be a rare breed when it comes to training/conference appreciation.

Because there are, of course, the people who can't be bothered to show up for one single session because they're too hungover. The people who sit at the pool in Vegas rather than in the conference room. The people who decide they want to use those opportunities for what the rest of the entire company can only assume is a lucid affair, honeymoon special, romp-in-the-sand, all-expense-paid, company escapade.

Now. Here's my thing. If you want to have an affair that's one thing. I'm not the moral committee here. I don't judge. But if you want to start using company funding to pay for your trip, invite someone who you are allegedly having an affair with and use company funds to pay for that? Well I do judge. Just a little....

i'm not one to gossip...

... OK. That's a lie. But all I'm saying is this:

Someone very very VERY senior in a big NYC agency was arrested this weekend with two prostitutes and a load of cocaine. He was also with two VIP clients to whom he was showing a VGT (that's very good time for those of you not down with the kids). Among the things apparently stated to the police: "don't you know who I am? I'm Mr. X"

Well, rumor has it being Mr. X didn't really help with the police nor the clients - who are now also in legal trouble and out of a job.

Whoopsies! So much for client services....

a new kind of client relationship

Client A to account person: "You can kick me in the balls - hard - if I let you down."

it's been a while

sorry. plenty of things going on... plenty of stories to post. here's the first (of many)

it all has to do with a little thing called agency morale. i suppose in this economic downturn (or credit crunch as they call it in the uk) times are getting more tough for us agency folks. and with that comes things like clients spending less money, agencies doing less work and possibly layoffs.

enter the agency morale team. we've all got 'em. maybe yours is called hr. or maybe the social committee. or something along those lines. my agency has it. and they've been doing a pretty good job this year.

but about a month ago they introduced this idea where every day we'd all be given a sample of cookies to try and compare to each other. "vote for the best" we were told. "enjoy a few moments away from your desk" they said. never mind the hours and hours of overtime that everyone was working. this was just a few minutes out of everyone's lives to eat a little cookie and cast your vote.

but then the few minutes turned into what appeared to be well crafted emails announcing the daily competition and recap of events and before you knew it... morale was even lower. people working 14 hour days couldn't understand how a cookie was going to make them feel better. cookies were only a reminder of the weight they were putting on by not taking advantage of that gym membership. and cookie emails were reminding them that other people actually had time to write an email about the trial of oreos versus who knows what.

enter what i will refer to as "cookie-gate."

now i realize this social committee doesn't get paid to do this stuff just as i don't get paid to work the 14 hour days that i do. oh wait. i do. that's my JOB. i just stopped making overtime 12 years ago. whatever. my point is this: cookies ain't gonna fix anyone's morale and anyone who thinks they are are just bad agencies.

unfortunately i think i got in trouble for saying such things recently and my whole conversation was completely misconstrued. which brings me back to you. my friends. my trusted colleagues who i hope can actually help with my morale right now. 'cuz this cookie-gate thing is really pissing me off.

Bad Excuses

We have all worked with crazy people. And we've all worked with slackers. Identifying them - initially - isn't always that easy. But rest assure, it always comes out, somehow, someway. And usually by their own doing.

Today's example? The eternal crazy-slacker who, at first would tell people she couldn't be at work because "I threw my back out." That was followed by weekly doctor appointments. Likely followed by a cat death & funeral. She never worked a full week in over 6 months of employment at one agency.

My favorite excuse for going home early is seen below....

From: Name removed
To: ALL
Subject: who ever ate my salad lunch and took the container too....

Not only am I allergic to EVERYTHING but the salad dressing was mixed with several liquid antibiotics. Nice.

You may want to fess up as you will most likely need to see your GP because of the meds. Hold the humor, as this could potentially be serious to someone.

I will be leaving shortly as I need to go home to take my meds. Mystery person, call me on my MOBILE if you don't find me.

Thank you.

Name removed
Sr. Project Manager

The price of success (or at least one fun night).

My friends at a substantially large San Francisco agency have found the best way to get anything out of their COO is pretty simple: top shelf vodka, Prada, Gucci or, really, any designer shoe. The bigger the ask, the bigger combination of those. But it's pretty much guaranteed.

It got me thinking - is it REALLY guaranteed? Could we test these waters a little? What would be the right combo for a salary raise? A promotion? What if you just really want to take out the team for a good time which may or may not involve lots of vodka for yourselves and, possibly, strippers but absolutely no hard core drugs because that was such an early 90s agencies thing to do (or so I keep telling myself as I look the other way).

Funny thing is - I asked this question about a week ago and just last night I got the answer. How? Well, my friends took the COO out, got her completely drunk, made her pay for the drinks (over $2500) and proceeded to ask these very questions (talk about bold moves, Ford Motor Company, take note).

Here's what they learned:

Salary = look at the percentage you're asking for. If it's with inflation, the COO would have already likely given that to you, so make it worthwhile. A top shelf bottle of vodka and any small Gucci and/or Prada (or really any designer label in which the COO's PA could give you her latest wish list) is worth about inflation plus about 10%.

Promotion = this is pretty serious. The COO didn't deny getting buttered up for some very senior promotions BUT indicated that it would require a combination of all three OR at least one top shelf vodka plus one massive designer purchase. Jimmy Choo and Christian Louboutin are always a nice add-in, depending on what you are really pushing for.

So that lead me to ask what about the "night out on the town?

My friends just laughed. Apparently, all it truly takes is a lot of vodka and this COO will happily do it for you (as is the case from that night).


True story. Can't make up this crap.